Friday, March 27, 2009

Odd Bills

Odd Bills

I’d become somewhat of a regular there. Once, maybe twice a week I’d go, sit at the same booth and write. Always at happy hour, cheap drinks and pretty much no crowds. No one bothered me, and I liked that. I could tune out the boom and the swagger of the place, and focus on smoking, and my pencil. At night, the lights hurt my eyes; there was too much glitter, too much sparkle. Strobe lights and disco balls refracted anything I tried to focus on, and it was impossible to get any work done. Plus, at night, that’s when the real hustlers came out. During the day it was nice. There would be entire days where I would hardly notice the distractions so readily available around me, because some little sentence or something would preoccupy me. It was my dirty little version of Flaubert's rotten apples, only instead of a desk drawer full of spoiled fruit, I had bourbon, Pall Malls, vinyl seats and brass poles. These days, most of the people, and especially the employees, didn’t talk to me. They had, at one point, but had apparently given that up. Sure, there were some there that never quite gave up on me, always offering to take me for a talk in the back, but it had become fairly lighthearted; they knew I was a cheap, that I never even went in there with enough cash for that. Then, one week, it was audition time. I was in my regular spot when it happened, sipping my bourbon and ginger. I had been caught up in some stupid little story for days, struggling with ideas of truth and pathos and shit. Today, I decided, would be the day it all came through. Then the new girl stepped on stage. She wasn’t overly beautiful, didn’t have that certain whatever that makes a stripper instantly identifiable. I glanced up once, just once, and had not really intended to do even that, and suddenly I knew that I wasn’t going to write anymore that day. What I saw up there crushed me, and I stared, transfixed by this girl. She was stiff and awkward, and looked almost pained as she gyrated against the pole, as she ground her way towards the rail. I realized the difference: She couldn’t take herself out of it. She had no thousand yard stare like the vets did. This was still very much a personal battle for her. Once, years ago in Canada, I hit a deer in my old Cadillac. I had been doing around 80 on some back road at night. The thing bounced off my grill like a fleshy pinball; it must have gone 60, 70 yards. My CD player didn’t even skip. That’s what I was seeing in this girl’s future. She’d end up broken and bloodied, and some back woods tow-truck driver would come along and pull her out of the ditch, asking whoever it was that put her there, “You sure you don’t want this? I’ll use it!” and toss her in the back of his truck. Maybe that’s how she got here in the first place... I don’t know. I felt myself moving to the rail, pulling money out of my pocket as I went. Strange scenes kept popping into my head as I walked: I couldn’t stop seeing this girl’s past, present, and future. The music all but stopped. The red bulbs overhead seemed like floodlights, like a fucking x-ray machine. I laid a dollar on the rail and she approached. Her eyes locked onto mine, huge and terrified, but hellishly determined to be alluring. Panic rose in my chest and started to choke me. She leaned in and whispered, “Be nice, it’s only my second day.” I laid another dollar on the rack, forcing myself to break the eye contact. She shimmied her way over to a pair of middle-management types at the other end, almost falling in her heels, a little girl playing dress-up, and a hammer struck me, someone jabbed me with a hat pin, my heart shattered. The smoke from my cigarette drifted up into my eyes, and I had to start blinking. Then, all of a sudden, the music stopped... It was over. I wanted to say something, comfort her or convince her that everything could and would move up from there. I wanted to say that no matter what it looked like, things would get better. She smiled timidly at me as she collected the odd bills off the stage floor. She locked onto my eyes again and said, “Thanks, and just let me know when you’re ready for a dance in back.” Those words, the slight (had I imagined it?) cock of an eyebrow, shook me out of my trance. I nodded, then shook my head, then stopped trying and moved to the bar to order another drink. I caught my reflection in the mirror behind the bar; I looked like a deer caught in a pair of headlights. My mistake, she would be just fine

Tiger stripes and Ghost Dancing!!!!!

This is my dog, Finn...

He's cuter than you.  He's also extremely loud, like, he hurts my ears a lot.  Fucker, he's lucky he didn't get his ass culled like the AKC told me to.

Sandwiches are better grilled, much better.

More later.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The News of the Day...

So, this is a picture of a Grizzly Bear...

This is a picture of a Koala Bear...

And, last, a picture of a Panda Bear...

Now, which one is not a bear?  Correct, the fucking Koala, because the other ones are bears, I don't care what anyone says.  I grew up hearing, "Well, the panda is actually more closely related to the raccoon than the bear, so blah, blah, blah, science, fart, junk, crap."  Well, I always thought that that was claptrap, pardon my French, because IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE A FUCKING BEAR!!!!!!!  Well, check this crap out:

"Giant pandas are classified in the Ursidae family as bears by most scientists.  In the past, they had been grouped in the Procyonidae family along with raccoons and lesser pandas.  However, DNA testing in the 1980's determined that giant pandas were true bears, belonging in the Ursidae more so than the Procyonidae family.  Fossils have been found showing that giant panda bears evolved somewhere between 2 and 3 million years ago.  Yet, they were unknown to the western world until 1869.  The bear's scientific name, Ailuropus melanoleucus, means "black and white bear."  Its Chinese name, Da xiong mao, means great bear cat."

I fuckin' knew it, man, all along.  Now, this article was found on a website titled "," so I would assume that they might know what the hell they're talking about when it comes to the subject of FUCKING BEARS, LIKE THE PANDA BEAR!!!  I added the bold in the text above, by the way.  My only question now is why this isn't extremely common knowledge, and who's pulling the strings to keep the public in the dark.  I assume it's Red China, but I can't be sure.  Either way, I was right.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Warm beer and cold women.

So, I've been drinking more lately, and sleep feels weird.  Go figure.  So, what with my new lifestyle, I thought people might want an updated look at me.  Here ya go.


Monday, March 23, 2009

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey.

So, I finally got some sleep, which is good, because I haven't been sleeping much lately.  Like, to the tune of eleven hours worth.  I feel better, much better.  I watched "Milk" last night, and it was surprisingly good.  I knew a lot about the end of Harvey milk's career, and the murder and subsequent trial, but I didn't know too much about his earlier life, etc.  The acting was top-notch, the cast was amazing, I'm just pleasantly surprised by the whole bit, except for not seeing James Franco's huge prosthetic penis, which disappointed me greatly...  Director's Cut!!!!!

The only problem I really had with the movie, not one superhero.  Every movie should have a superhero, because they make movies better.  I would have made "Milk and Guy Gardner."

Thursday, March 19, 2009

'Nother one...

Here's what I learned today......

VH1 is bringing back "Behind the Music," and the first confirmed artist is Scott Weiland.  This makes me happy.  Seriously, it is a good show, a really good one.  They should probably do a Behind the Music of Mudhoney, I would watch that.  Or one about Cheap Trick, a really good one with interviews with Bun, yeah.

Also, my car is trying to kill itself in a variety of ways, and I hate it.  I gave it a name and everything!!!  Fuck Honda.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Here we go...

OK, there's nothing greater in this world than a good blog, and I mean nothing.  I am so excited to be here to share things with an internet audience.  We get to talk about all sorts of awesome things, like these, they are metal shoes...

Now, Aris wanted to buy these, but he didn't, because he wasn't sure if he would wear blue shoes enough to warrant the purchase.  That's fucking stupid, and I told him as much.  He didn't buy these because, deep down, he knew that if a company makes Iron Maiden shoes, then eventually they will make Judas Priest shoes, and then the people that paid all that money for Iron Maiden shoes will see the Judas Priest shoes and go, "Ohhh, man, I feel stupid for buying these now.  Judas Priest is sooooooooooo much better than Iron Maiden!!!!!"  End of story.

Now, on a similar note, I am happy to report that me and Tristan have realized that the four greatest songs of all time are as follows:

1)  Feed my Frankenstein- Alice Cooper
2)  Unskinny Bop- Poison
3)  Hotdog and a Shake- David Lee Roth
4)  The entire catalog of REM.

End of blog...  FOR NOW!!!!!!